MTV 2014 Movie Awards...the 'Jersey Shore' of award shows.

This Sunday, MTV gamely threw their farce of an awards show at the public and reached a moderate level of  "clean slate" suck.  That's when something sucks, but not so much that it's memorable.  My brain registered the suck and erased most of that shit as soon as it was over.  Lucky for you, I took notes.

Hosting duties fell to Conan O'Brien this year, who should have spent the time he was not on stage beating his agent within an inch of his life for booking this gig.  It was like when your weird uncle tried to hang with the kids to prove how "hip" and "with it" he is, and things get more and more awkward until he is reduced to repeatedly doing the ole running-into-the-door gag, then finally fleeing in abject shame to a dark room where he can get drunk, watch "The Wall" on his 60" flat screen (age does have some advantages) and cry, mourning the loss of his youth.  Conan's big contribution was distilling a couple of the nominee's for best picture into Vines, great, dumb things down even more.  Like we aren't already a nation of fruit flies. Conan, buddy, if you're not part of the solution...I think you see where I'm going with this.  The fact that Grumpy Cat was in the front damn row, asleep really says it all.  Ten bucks says his human saw the sharp side of somebody's claws on the ride home for subjecting him to that basic shit.

Sadly Grumpy Cat in a tiny Pharell hat
qualified as a top tier celebrity.

As ever, Jared Leto's enchanted ombre (JLeo) tresses were the true star.  Jared made some noises too, but whatever, it was all about JLeo.  Jared, clearly a jealous bitch, tried in vain to dim JLeo's gilded splendor with a hideous Hawaiian shirt and kooky straw lid combo but JLeo triumphed, natch.

Not sure if Jared is dating
or creeping on Lupita Nyiong'o,
Tough call, neither scenario
is totally outside the realm of reality... 

Then, in the coldest cut of the night, Jared thanked "30 Seconds to Mars" for his success, but nary a single prop for JLeo. Ungrateful wretch. I can only assume JLeo will be filing for emancipation from Jared's unappreciative ass, resulting in an EPIC courtroom drama, followed by a cover story in Vanity Fair (pics by Anne Lebowitz).  You heard it here first.

Just in case anyone thought these awards were for real, Zac Efron beat out freaking THOR for Best Shirtless Performance.  Don't get me wrong, Zac is a cutie, he and his abs performance in "The Lucky One" won him alot of cred in my book... but over Thor, tho?!?!?!  Nope. One played a frat boy, one played a GOD. *drops mic*

Exhibit A:
That is a ripped, very attractive male.

Exhibit....huhhhhhh....
ummmm Q? 4? What was the question?

Rita Ora finally gave me a reason to learn her name when she cut to the chase and ripped Zac's shirt open during his acceptance speech, Zac got the message and quit with the talky-talky, flexin what God gave him for a bit before being led to his trainer and the angora-lined hyperbolic chamber/tanning bed his PR peeps keep him in between appearances and rehab stints.  It's the new Botox. And yes, there is a gif...

Mark Wahlberg walked away with The Generation award, his cranky old dude speech featured the best humble brag of the night, it takes a deft hand to work "my wife is a Victoria's secret model" into your acceptance speech, ammirite?  The former leader of the Funky bunch also managed to drop enough F-bombs to give the censors carpal tunnel then wrapped it up with a Palm Sunday shout-out. Both profane and spiritual.  Nailed it.

I bet the Vatican is feeling those "good vibrations".  Catholic Church PR problem, meet the solution.

St. Marky Mark??