Sex, war, love, power, betrayal - these are not new plot points...tried and true. I must still doff my cap (or would if I was currently wearing one) to HBO. GoT is like a soap opera that's on steroids, and tripping balls...at a Ren Faire with a big scoop of naked on top. Let's get to the good stuff. If you have not seen season 4 episode 2 of Game of Thrones STOP READING NOW. SPOILERS AHEAD...SPOILERS, SPOILERS, SPOILERS. As in if you read this post without viewing the aforementioned episode, major plot points will be revealed therefore spoiling the surprise for you.
Still with me? Ok. Some highlights...
Sadist and psycho-about-town, Ramsey Snow got a close shave from Reek, the quivering mass that is left of Theon NoJoy. Tension level? High. While the blade is pressed to his throat, Wacko McTorturepants gleefully tells Reek ; "Hey, remember your bro, Robb? Cool dude, awesome beard? Yeah, my dad totes stabbed him repeatedly, he's really dead. Thoughts?"
Tension level? OH. SWEET. BABY. JESUS.
Reek ignored my screaming at the TV - "AVENGE ROBB, DOITDOITDOITDOIT!" and recovered with barely a flinch, although in his defense - I would imagine that after a guy's been emasculated, everything else is just sorta bad news.
Meanwhile, on Dragonstone Island, during a hella awkward dinner party, Stannis' wife suggests his mistress have a little heart to heart with their recluse half/lizard daughter about the infidel bonfires they've been throwing on the beach. Sure, nothing weird there. It takes a village. A freaky, shadow-baby havin, people burnin, gull grillin village.
Somewhere up north, Bran went all vulcan mind meld with a magical tree and trippy-ass visions ensued. "Hodor!"
Tyty and Lefty Lannister did some brotherly bonding, any scene with Peter Dinklage is gold, just like his perfectly tousled hair. Tyrion continues to tip-toe around the psycho-laden limbs of his family tree with a catatonic child bride, and terminally stupid mistress, but arguably the best bodyguard/sidekick ever. I bet he misses the good ole days of whorin in a drunken stupor. He gave Jerkffrey a big book as a wedding prez, so naturally the brat hacked it to pieces with a sword, cause JOFFREY HATES KNOWLEDGE, YA'LL. Since Shea refused to get a damn clue, Tyty was cruel to be kind, broke her heart and sent her packing to get her out of Sissy and Daddy's evil clutches.
In other Lannister news, THE BITCH IS BACK. Cersei was in fine form, throwing shade like a glitter cascade of pure hate. There were so many YAAASSSS moments it would be hard to choose my favorite. Undermining the new queen, snatching food from the mouth's of the poor, dressing down underlings, practicing bitch-plomacy with Horney Dorney and his plus one, calling out Medieval Action Barbie's secret love for her brother/ex-boyfriend, the haterade flowed like wine into her goblet.
Finally the wedding, which was fabulous, ego's and incestuous sexual tension ran as high as the bride's do.
But then it happened, something that warmed my heart and made me believe in happy endings again...
BITCH GOT BORGIA'D - Joffrey died a horrible, painful albeit too quick death from a little somethin' extra (hint - not love) slipped in his toasting cup. The gif below pretty accurately conveys my reaction.
Ding, dong the dick is dead!! Finally!! The degree and depth of satisfaction I felt was, quite frankly, unsettling. But I can't be sorry, I still get a little giddy, thinking about it. Things aren't looking good for Tyty, but my money is on Grandma Tyrell. In addition to her "tellin it like it is" skills I am sure she is well-versed in "puttin a bitch down" protocol as well.
No matter what else happens this season, we'll always have Joffrey dying. Hold on to that when days are dark.
FREE TYRION LANNISTER!!
PS As a free bonus pic - here is Peter Dinklage hoopin in da club with a glow in the dark hula-hoop...because sometimes life is wonderful.
It was totally Grandma Tyrell.. with the Bird Pie, in the Courtyard.
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