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| Those aren't eyelashes - they're her pet spiders... and they're coming for your soul. |
It all began when Mike was a closeted teen, and secretly downloaded Kim's sex tape to try and cure himself of the gays. I have not seen the tape in question, because unlike Mike Ahotmess, I understood at a very tender age that some things cannot be unseen, besides I don't do horror flicks. What I do know about it tells me that's like trying to cure a fear of movies by watching "The Ring".
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| Kim without make-up |
Even if he wasn't gay before...we'll never know now. Today Mike lives in a total fear vortex due to Pimp Mama Kris having not one iota of shame, which she then passed to all of her spawn in a dark plot to take over the world...annnnd here we are today. His fear of Kim has spread to the entire family, making the only safe place for Mikey a sealed underground bunker in a remote location. Mike's condition has greatly impacted his life, even leading to the break-up with a obviously "basic bitch" boyfriend couldn't bear to live a Kartrashian free-life. Mikey, gurl - you're better off.
For most of us, the steaming heap of WTF that was the Bound 2 video, inspired giggles or maybe mild indigestion. For Mike, it was the mother of all triggers and made him break out in the cold sweats and pray to the porcelain gods.
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| Motorcycles, kissing, and sunsets, ruined... |
While this story is completely awesome, I'm also 90% sure it's total bullshit. For three reasons;
1. It was in the Daily Mail.
2. It really is too perfect.
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| Based on this photo, even if this article is made of false, Mike definitely has issues. |
3. This and other pics that accompanied the article.
Still, there is little doubt the Kardashian's are a plague upon this earth, and deep inside we are all a little scared. Whatever the end game is, Kim K will tweet it live.
Mike, where ever you are, I hope someday you can change your name to Mike NotAmess.
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