Shine On Crazy Diamond...

Slip into your bedazzled cat-suit (what, you don't have one of those?  Don't look at me with those judgey little eyes...it's slimming.) it's time for:

Weir Watch

Johnny Weir, figure skater and the sparking drop of elegante that stole the Sochi Olympics, will be upping the Derby game to "Weirce" with fun-sized BFF and fashion accessory Tara Lipinski (she is about the size of a Birkin bag...).  

Derby, bitches!

For those of you unfamiliar with the Kentucky Derby, some horses run around or something for two minutes...but it's really all about the hats and the booze.  Johnny is no Derby amateur, last year, he made granny's best church hat THE LOOK.

Weirce

Ladies, you're going to have to up your game to keep up with the flame even Russia couldn't dim.  I would go with something wide-brimmed so you can protect yourself from retina burn, not from the sun, but from the amount of FACE and GLAM Johnny is sure to be serving up.  

I'm betting even the horses will take a knee when Johnny and Tara glide by, such is the power of their FAB.

Don't Just Love Him For The Hammaconda...

The thrill I feel when I find out someone hates Justin Beiber as much as I do, is intense. It's like a sign from the universe that they are already a potential bestie, I can already see us having a Taylor Swift day at the beach, skipping along the shore, throwing exquisite shade at all things Beiber related.

And when it's a famous awesome person, well, that is just the cherry on my all-bout-ME sundae.

Wildlife enthusiast and Beiber hater

Jon Hamm, wrangler of the Hammaconda, brought a big bucket of truth to his Men's Fitness Magazine interview, and each word was like a tiny hug for my eyeballs. This was my favorite part:

“Look at Bieber or whoever. You’re like, ‘What the fuck, man? What are you doing? Why?’ There’s no one telling those people no, and it’s a shame. [He should have] a mom or a dad or a really good friend who can say, ‘Hey, shithead!’ You see people in the world and you’re like, ‘Do you know how a washing machine works? Do you know how to wash a dish? Life skills are something we’re missing… just shit you needed to learn in life. There used to be a class that kids had to take in high school called home economics, which was cooking and sewing and just shit you needed to learn in life.”

YAAASSSSSS to all of that. Thank you Jon Hamm, in addition to being ridiculously handsome, and just a cool cat, you just gave me a new insult -

"Do you even know how to work a washing machine?!? " 

Jon is never afraid to go full-on honey badger, he has also poured public haterade for the Kartrashians, Wonkyeye Hilton, and the idiot culture that places value in these wastes of space.  I've always had love for JH, he's in my Top 10 Imaginary BF- but this particular incident of stating the obvious like a BOSS, bumps him up to #3.

Sorry, Jon you look waaaaay too much like my Dad in the 60's on Mad Men to ever make #1.  But, we'll always have our mutual hatred of Beiber.  That's enough for me.

The Great Cake God...

Over the course of our 15 year marriage, Hubby and I have settled into definite roles.  He is practical and analytic, while I am dreamy, creative, and just a little crazy.  An ever so slightly OCD biologist; rules, plans, schedules, S.O.P.'s - that's Hubby's jam.

I never had a plan that did not blow up spectacularly in my face.  For me, plans are more "general guidelines", that can and will change at any moment.  If at first I don't succeed...well, it must be day with a damn Y in it.  I always have a plan B (and plans C - X, best to keep my options open).

Hubby is making a cake for a retirement party at his office (ain't no party like a biologist party...).  As the fella retiring is planning on hiking the Appalachian Trail, the theme of the party is; Happy Trails To You.

Truth 1 - Hubby comes from a long line of amazing, really talented people, who never heard of doing anything the easy way...ever. Tasks and projects that should be under $100 and take maybe half a day, take three years and dipping into one's 401K. Don't get me wrong, the results are amazing...but ain't nobody got time for that!

Truth 2 - The kitchen??  Not my best room...so he's kinda on his own.  I have many skills, cake decorating is not one of them. I mean well, but good intentions count for naught in the land of cooking and baking...
  
Knowing this, I asked him over the weekend what he had in mind for this cake (which has to be done tonight for the party tomorrow).  Just to give you a little perspective on the level of over-achiever I am dealing with...his Mom just did a cake for the Secretary at her church's retirement...she did the woman's computer and monitor, in cake...TO FREAKING SCALE!! The keyboard was made out of cut mini-twix bars with each letter painted on individually.  I'm pretty sure she gave up sleep sometime in the early 80's.

So the cake, not surprisingly, will be a map of the Appalachian Trail. We have already negotiated that four choices of cake and filling in one sheet cake are plenty.  Here is a snippet of the rest of the conversation, three sketches later;

Me: You don't have to put the mountains there, if you put them there, that leaves you less room for writing your message, plus they will be sideways...

Hubby:  But they are on the trail...

Me: I understand that, but this is not the actual trail - it's cake.

Hubby: *frown*  But the Appalachian Trail goes through the mountains...

Me:  You've mentioned that.  You get that this does not have to be topographically correct, he won't be using the map on the cake to actually navigate his trip?

Hubby:  *more frowning*

Me: Honey, look at it this way, you are the God of your cake universe.  The Alpha, the Omega, you know all and control all.  Everything is only as you will it to be.  The universe is your own personal clipboard...you can drag, rotate, mirror - all that shit.  Grab those mountains, move 'em any place you want, the map be damned!  Get crazy up in this piece!

He seemed to buy it.  It's all in your pitch, ladies, what guy doesn't want to be a god...

FOX - Proving One Reality Show At A Time, That Humanity Is Doomed.

FOX, the same network that brought you Joe Millionaire and the slurping noises heard round the world, is premiering a new reality show called; I Wanna Marry "Harry" where 12 hot American ticks (typo - and it stays), are plunked on a posh British estate to fight for the heart of a faux "Prince Harry" and a chance to be a princess.

Hope for humanity - dashed.

Sure, because that is totally how Harry, His Royal Gingerness (HRG) would choose a bride.  Oy and Vey.

Faux HRG

Real HRG

I'm guessing the working title for this indictment of youth was something along the lines of The 12 Dumbest Women in America because damn, ladies...just, damn.  No part of - "Hey, I'm from FOX, Prince Harry is looking to get hitched, the Queen thinks there would be no better way to spice up the royal gene pool than with some American Fame-ho. Wanna be a Princess?" sounded suspect to you?!

I'm holding out hope that at least one of these women is in on the joke, and just went along for the free-vacay, to get her drink-on, and laugh at the morons on a British estate with a hot ginge.

"Sure, I'm ready to meet "Prince Harry",*wink, wink* is there any more wine, and who do I have to kill to get some chips and dip?"

Bound 2 happen...

So there's a British guy claiming to have the first official case of fame-whore phobia.  According to the Daily Mail, Mike Amess (not a typo, that's his actual name) gets the hardcore sicks whenever he sees Kim Kartrashian or any of her kin.

Those aren't eyelashes - they're her pet spiders...
and they're coming for your soul.

It all began when Mike was a closeted teen, and secretly downloaded Kim's sex tape to try and cure himself of the gays.  I have not seen the tape in question, because unlike Mike Ahotmess, I understood at a very tender age that some things cannot be unseen, besides I don't do horror flicks. What I do know about it tells me that's like trying to cure a fear of movies by watching "The Ring".

Kim without make-up

Even if he wasn't gay before...we'll never know now.  Today Mike lives in a total fear vortex due to Pimp Mama Kris having not one iota of shame, which she then passed to all of her spawn in a dark plot to take over the world...annnnd here we are today.  His fear of Kim has spread to the entire family, making the only safe place for Mikey a sealed underground bunker in a remote location.  Mike's condition has greatly impacted his life, even leading to the break-up with a obviously "basic bitch" boyfriend couldn't bear to live a Kartrashian free-life. Mikey, gurl - you're better off.

For most of us, the steaming heap of WTF that was the Bound 2 video, inspired giggles or maybe mild indigestion.  For Mike, it was the mother of all triggers and made him break out in the cold sweats and pray to the porcelain gods.

Motorcycles, kissing, and sunsets, ruined...

While this story is completely awesome, I'm also 90% sure it's total bullshit.  For three reasons;

1. It was in the Daily Mail.

2. It really is too perfect.

Based on this photo, even if this
article is made of false,
Mike definitely has issues.

3. This and other pics that accompanied the article. 

 Still, there is little doubt the Kardashian's are a plague upon this earth, and deep inside we are all a little scared.  Whatever the end game is, Kim K will tweet it live.  

Mike, where ever you are, I hope someday you can change your name to Mike NotAmess.  

Doogie...zat you???

Behold a sneak peek from the Annie Lebowitz Vanity Fair shoot of NPH as Hedwig in "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" on Broadway.  Even knowing he is 100% batting for the other team, I felt some tingles for the amount of FACE and  smoky guyliner NPH is serving up, hot.  Neil's hubby David B. better watch out for those cold-blooded, home-wrecking hussies draped around his boo, looks to me like they are giving NPH way more than an inch.

MTV 2014 Movie Awards...the 'Jersey Shore' of award shows.

This Sunday, MTV gamely threw their farce of an awards show at the public and reached a moderate level of  "clean slate" suck.  That's when something sucks, but not so much that it's memorable.  My brain registered the suck and erased most of that shit as soon as it was over.  Lucky for you, I took notes.

Hosting duties fell to Conan O'Brien this year, who should have spent the time he was not on stage beating his agent within an inch of his life for booking this gig.  It was like when your weird uncle tried to hang with the kids to prove how "hip" and "with it" he is, and things get more and more awkward until he is reduced to repeatedly doing the ole running-into-the-door gag, then finally fleeing in abject shame to a dark room where he can get drunk, watch "The Wall" on his 60" flat screen (age does have some advantages) and cry, mourning the loss of his youth.  Conan's big contribution was distilling a couple of the nominee's for best picture into Vines, great, dumb things down even more.  Like we aren't already a nation of fruit flies. Conan, buddy, if you're not part of the solution...I think you see where I'm going with this.  The fact that Grumpy Cat was in the front damn row, asleep really says it all.  Ten bucks says his human saw the sharp side of somebody's claws on the ride home for subjecting him to that basic shit.

Sadly Grumpy Cat in a tiny Pharell hat
qualified as a top tier celebrity.

As ever, Jared Leto's enchanted ombre (JLeo) tresses were the true star.  Jared made some noises too, but whatever, it was all about JLeo.  Jared, clearly a jealous bitch, tried in vain to dim JLeo's gilded splendor with a hideous Hawaiian shirt and kooky straw lid combo but JLeo triumphed, natch.

Not sure if Jared is dating
or creeping on Lupita Nyiong'o,
Tough call, neither scenario
is totally outside the realm of reality... 

Then, in the coldest cut of the night, Jared thanked "30 Seconds to Mars" for his success, but nary a single prop for JLeo. Ungrateful wretch. I can only assume JLeo will be filing for emancipation from Jared's unappreciative ass, resulting in an EPIC courtroom drama, followed by a cover story in Vanity Fair (pics by Anne Lebowitz).  You heard it here first.

Just in case anyone thought these awards were for real, Zac Efron beat out freaking THOR for Best Shirtless Performance.  Don't get me wrong, Zac is a cutie, he and his abs performance in "The Lucky One" won him alot of cred in my book... but over Thor, tho?!?!?!  Nope. One played a frat boy, one played a GOD. *drops mic*

Exhibit A:
That is a ripped, very attractive male.

Exhibit....huhhhhhh....
ummmm Q? 4? What was the question?

Rita Ora finally gave me a reason to learn her name when she cut to the chase and ripped Zac's shirt open during his acceptance speech, Zac got the message and quit with the talky-talky, flexin what God gave him for a bit before being led to his trainer and the angora-lined hyperbolic chamber/tanning bed his PR peeps keep him in between appearances and rehab stints.  It's the new Botox. And yes, there is a gif...

Mark Wahlberg walked away with The Generation award, his cranky old dude speech featured the best humble brag of the night, it takes a deft hand to work "my wife is a Victoria's secret model" into your acceptance speech, ammirite?  The former leader of the Funky bunch also managed to drop enough F-bombs to give the censors carpal tunnel then wrapped it up with a Palm Sunday shout-out. Both profane and spiritual.  Nailed it.

I bet the Vatican is feeling those "good vibrations".  Catholic Church PR problem, meet the solution.

St. Marky Mark??

Errrrrrmahgawd GoT!

Fangirl time! I have not read George RR Martin's series yet, they are on the list, but they must wait their turn! But that has not stopped me from LOVING the HBO Game of Thrones series.  In my experience it's better to treat books and their translations into visual media like two very different animals, anyway - less heartache. Moving on...

Sex, war, love, power, betrayal - these are not new plot points...tried and true.  I must still doff my cap (or would if I was currently wearing one) to HBO.  GoT is like a soap opera that's on steroids, and tripping balls...at a Ren Faire with a big scoop of naked on top. Let's get to the good stuff.  If you have not seen season 4 episode 2 of Game of Thrones STOP READING NOW.  SPOILERS AHEAD...SPOILERS, SPOILERS, SPOILERS.  As in if you read this post without viewing the aforementioned episode, major plot points will be revealed therefore spoiling the surprise for you.

Still with me?  Ok. Some highlights...

Sadist and psycho-about-town, Ramsey Snow got a close shave from Reek, the quivering mass that is left of Theon NoJoy.  Tension level? High.  While the blade is pressed to his throat, Wacko McTorturepants gleefully tells Reek ; "Hey, remember your bro, Robb? Cool dude, awesome beard?  Yeah, my dad totes stabbed him repeatedly, he's really dead. Thoughts?"

Tension level?  OH. SWEET. BABY. JESUS.

Reek ignored my screaming at the TV - "AVENGE ROBB, DOITDOITDOITDOIT!" and recovered with barely a flinch, although in his defense - I would imagine that after a guy's been emasculated, everything else is just sorta bad news.

Meanwhile, on Dragonstone Island, during a hella awkward dinner party, Stannis' wife suggests his mistress have a little heart to heart with their recluse half/lizard daughter about the infidel bonfires they've been throwing on the beach.  Sure, nothing weird there. It takes a village. A freaky, shadow-baby havin, people burnin, gull grillin village.

Somewhere up north, Bran went all vulcan mind meld with a magical tree and trippy-ass visions ensued.  "Hodor!"

Tyty and Lefty Lannister did some brotherly bonding, any scene with Peter Dinklage is gold, just like his perfectly tousled hair. Tyrion continues to tip-toe around the psycho-laden limbs of his family tree with a catatonic child bride, and terminally stupid mistress, but arguably the best bodyguard/sidekick ever. I bet he misses the good ole days of whorin in a drunken stupor.  He gave Jerkffrey a big book as a wedding prez, so naturally the brat hacked it to pieces with a sword, cause JOFFREY HATES KNOWLEDGE, YA'LL. Since Shea refused to get a damn clue, Tyty was cruel to be kind, broke her heart and sent her packing to get her out of Sissy and Daddy's evil clutches.

In other Lannister news, THE BITCH IS BACK.  Cersei was in fine form, throwing shade like a glitter cascade of pure hate.  There were so many YAAASSSS moments it would be hard to choose my favorite. Undermining the new queen, snatching food from the mouth's of the poor, dressing down underlings, practicing bitch-plomacy with Horney Dorney and his plus one, calling out Medieval Action Barbie's secret love for her brother/ex-boyfriend, the haterade flowed like wine into her goblet.

Finally the wedding, which was fabulous, ego's and incestuous sexual tension ran as high as the bride's do.

The groom was busy checking off "bein a dick" to-do list.  Fling coins at entertainment. check. Book surprise entertainment to both offend, humiliate and emotionally torture selected wedding guests. Check, check, and check.  A chip off the bitchy, vicious block, that one.  Where were we?  Ahhh yes...make Tyrion his wine bitch.  Check. Rub salt on the wound. Check. Waste perfectly good wine. Check.

But then it happened, something that warmed my heart and made me believe in happy endings again...

BITCH GOT BORGIA'D - Joffrey died a horrible, painful albeit too quick death from a little somethin' extra (hint - not love) slipped in his toasting cup.  The gif below pretty accurately conveys my reaction.

Ding, dong the dick is dead!!  Finally!! The degree and depth of satisfaction I felt was, quite frankly, unsettling.  But I can't be sorry, I still get a little giddy, thinking about it.  Things aren't looking good for Tyty, but my money is on Grandma Tyrell.  In addition to her "tellin it like it is" skills I am sure she is well-versed in "puttin a bitch down" protocol as well.

No matter what else happens this season, we'll always have Joffrey dying.  Hold on to that when days are dark.

FREE TYRION LANNISTER!!

PS As a free bonus pic - here is Peter Dinklage hoopin in da club with a glow in the dark hula-hoop...because sometimes life is wonderful.

Confessions of a Bibliophile...

I gave up reading for Lent.  But wait, you're thinking, reading isn't a vice.  "Reading expands the mind, it's good for you", says you.  True dat, however, the way I read...it's a vice.  I love to read.  No, not even love to, NEED TO READ. Books have been my constant companions my whole life, I learned to read early, and hit the ground running. And while I love it all, fiction is where my heart is.  Suspension of disbelief was never a problem, coming back to reality was what sucked.

What? We can vote now, great...what NOW?
Ok, one more quick chapter, then I'm all over it.

If I had to choose between almost anything and books, I would pick books.  Unless it was a choice between books and my husband, but I'd hesitate.  I'd pick him...but I'd totally hesitate.  I will neglect friends, family, housework, hygiene, my cat, really most things, for the sake of a great story.  Hell, if the house was going up in flames, I wouldn't notice until my ass was on fire.  Once, I left something in the oven and only knew it was burning because the smoke was making the words fuzzy...true story. 

P.S. I'd been meaning to paint the kitchen anyway, so that all ended fine.

So that is why decided to give up books for Lent, I still allowed my self to read articles online, because I love my husband.  To take the written word away from me completely would be like locking him in a room wearing a steak onesie with a starved, angry wildebeest, it's not going to end well.  Even with the precautions I took for his personal safety, I'm not going to say I've been a ball of sunshine. We've been married a while so he knows when to tread carefully, I am not above going full-on banshee, I got that in me. 

The final countdown is on, I'm in the final week.  It's been rough, I am not an e-reader girl, so temptation surrounds me, old friends whisper from every corner; "come back to us, we love you...just a couple chapters...to take the edge off.  We'll never tell." it's taken every ounce of willpower to not succumb.  This would also be why I've gained 4 lbs, it would be more but not having my nose in a book made me look around my house and say; "wow, this place is dirty - where did all this crap come from?" 

Seeing as it is Spring, why not spring clean? I'm pretty sure I skipped last spring, and the spring before that. I am not a fan of housework, love the results...hate the process.  Thanks to Lent, my house has not been this clean since we moved in.  I'm exhausted, my thighs, arms, and knees are planning a strike, but I didn't read.  I may be channeling my book obsession into my steam cleaner, I'm running out of things to use it on...the cat has been avoiding me for a couple weeks, I think he fears being next (not entirely unfounded, truth be told). 

BTW- steam cleaners = awesome.  No scrubbing, just steam and wipe.  Woodwork, doors, bathroom, kitchen, all those little porcelain nick-knacks that are impossible to dust completely...steam it. Looks brand spankin new. For those of us who hate cleaning, and procrastinate until crisis-level messy, it's a must have.  I gathered a ball of cat hair the size of a small tumbleweed, it was not right.

In conclusion, reality still mostly sucks, and I can't wait to get my head back in a book, in my very clean house.  

Drool worthy...

Prepare your ovaries (or whatever you got goin on), known puppy-snuggler Tom Hardy is featured in the new issue of Esquire magazine.

Can one pull a Freaky Friday with a puppy?

I stumbled upon these pics and all productivity ground to a screeching halt. Both sides of a smoking hot coin.

Let's discuss in detail; first look, the cover shot - smoldering glare, furrowed brow, rippling abs, bad boy ink...hang on, my stupid pants keep flying off...yup that's a keeper, annnnd save to file.

Moving on to the second shot...straight up suit porn.  And it's perfect.  So serious, so perfectly fitted.  Never have I been so jealous of a lapel.  Annnnnd guess who has a new screensaver.

You - right or left lapel?  Me - Yes.

Tom was on my periphery for a bit, then a little movie called "This Means War" came out, cute little rom-com in which he was adorably endearing and ridiculously hot at the same damn time earning him a well-deserved promotion to my "Imaginary Boyfriend" list.

Full disclosure, I am a blissfully married woman, my husband is my whole heart, and I would be utterly lost without him.  However, I enjoy beauty in all it's various forms, be it a beautiful sunset, a smile on the face of a child, a lovely painting, or a smokin hot dude.  Also when I say "boyfriend", I mean in the elementary school sense, where you never ever interact, and would turn mute if they ever spoke to you.  I just like to look...and look I shall.

Doppelganger sadness...

In other break-up news,  the slightly better looking doppelgangers of Kimye; Naya Rivera and Big Sean tossed the carcass of their engagement into a shallow grave in the woods.

Naya and Big Sean

Kimye

Naya is best known for her exquisite bitch face as Santana on Glee. Big Sean, as far as I can tell, is best known for being engaged to Naya. Rumor is that Big Sean could not keep his swagga contained to his fiancee, he thought Naya was too controlling - read: no naughty times with skanky groupies.  To Big Sean that that was just too cruel a rule, but "he wishes Naya the best" after he stole a Rolex watch from her house, according to her twitter acct (side note- how much do you think PR people hate twitter, I'm guessing with the fire of a thousand suns).  It's all good Naya, you got that Glee cheddar, you don't need no scrub, bringing you down.

Granted, Glee went off the rails for me a while ago, I haven't watched since the 2nd season. I do dream of a Glee spin-off featuring Sue Sylvester and Santana that is just a solid hour of them trying to out-bitch the other, periodically you could bring on Labradoodle Mr. Shue and see who could make him cry first. I'd set my DVR for that.

And so it begins...

Alright, so here we go, my 1st official blog post. Exciting stuff, I can see why the kids are into it.  I myself, am an old soul that is highly suspicious of technology in general, I don't tweet, or instagram, or vine. It took me a few hours just to set this blog up, I felt like a monkey with an algebra book (or me with an algebra book, math is not my forte either) there was a lot of swearing and chocolate involved.

In my defense, technology has pretty strong feelings about me as well. I can't wear a watch, they stop working after about 3 days, anything with a computer chip has an inexplicable freak-out whenever I am near.  I once crashed the system of the bank I used just by walking in the front door.  I have my own laptop and am forbidden to touch my husbands desk top (it's a fair request) because any computer I am associated with crashes annually and I lose everything. The blue screen of death is practically my screensaver. I make IT experts speak in tongues.  I am the beta tester to END all beta testers.

"Oh really, your system is idiot proof??  Welp, say hello to a better brand of idiot. Hang on while I flick an eyelash at it - wow, is it supposed to burst into flames like that?"

Fly me over North Korea, I'll blow a kiss to all the missile silo's, and bam, nuclear problem solved, those bitches will never fly.  My contribution to world peace, you are welcome.  I do have a FB account but that is the extent of my virtual existence up to now.

Don't get me wrong, I love the internet, the amount of information that is at our fingertips is staggering. And for a closet introvert that is addictive stuff, all that information, no interaction. Sweet.

Not that I don't like people, I love people.  We are a fascinating, flawed, multi-faceted bunch,  90% of my entertainment comes from the everyday foibles and falls of humanity (my own included).  In particular, celebrities, it's hella interesting to watch what happens to different personalities when well-steeped in fame, money, power, and every sort of excess.  Some handle it with grace and dignity, then there are the others - that have so lost touch with any kind of reality and are taking WTF to a whole new level.

So if you are into that sort of thing, this will be fun.  Let's dive right in shall we?  

So Goopy Paltrow and Chris Martin are calling it quitsville.  According to Goopy's lifestyle blog (written I assume, from the penthouse suite of her ivory tower) it’s not a divorce…wait for it…it’s a conscious uncoupling.  Yup, conscious uncoupling…as opposed to unconscious uncoupling, you know - where you go into some sort of fugue state and 20 years later realize your spouse no longer lives with you, if I had a nickel…  

I think Chris M.was just hungry.  Poor guy hasn’t been allowed to have any meat, sugar, or caffeine (except when Goopy wasn’t lookin) in years.  I picture him saying “Bitch, I needz a burger!! Coldplay out!”  My eyes rolled so hard when I read Goopy's statement, I actually heard a clicking noise. Goopy has spent the last few years making pretentious the new obnoxious, and doing a hell of a job of it.  

Goopy, you are not experiencing a conscious uncoupling - gurl, you gettin divorced.  If divorce was good enough for Liz Taylor, Marilyn Monroe, and ice princess Johnny Weir, it's good enough for the likes of you. To sum up my feelings, here is a picture of Johnny Weir and his fav accessory, bff TLittle silently judging you.