Hollywood Refuses To Learn New Tricks

Somewhere in Hollywood, there is an evil cabal that does nothing but sit around in an underground lair and conspire to ruin the best movies of your youth.  If they were just lazy, that would be one thing, but nooooo, it goes so much deeper than that.  Evil is not content until it has corrupted and tarnished our most precious cinematic jewels. 

Tell me your favorite childhood movie. 

Let's review just a small slice of the evidence... 

Arthur 2011
Evil must have been afoot,
to force Helen Mirren to be in this turd.
I forgive you Helen.

The Pink Panther 2006.
Steve, WTF?  Even your tiny
'stache looks ashamed to be there

Clash of the Titans 2010
CGI'd turd flying through
mythology...

Of course let's not forget horrible-remakes nefarious bestie, sequels-that-nobody-wants. To that end, the cabal has set on it's sights on sullying another wonderful childhood memory in the form of a sequel to, brace yourself...this one really hurt...

The Goonies.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I know. I'm scared too.

I had to go through the 4 stages of grief for that one...4 stages, because I will NEVER accept that shit. Dammit Hollywood - this is why we can't have nice things.  

Sequels are NEVER EVER as good as the original and in this case...it's like a dubstep version of Amazing Grace or cookies made of kale.  Nobody wants that.

According to the internet, Steven Spielberg wrote the story, and for those of you that think that makes a difference...I'm gonna have to direct you to "Indiana Jones and the....Crystal...something or other, nobody cared."  Ammirite?

How they can even consider a Goonies sequel given that it's most exquisite flower, Mama Fratelli (Anne Ramsey) passed on to that great caper in the sky in '88?!?!  The actor (John Matuszak) that played Sloth died in 89. Granted, Feldman in a wig might be able to double for Anne...but would that really be enough? 

Don't do it, corporate dudes - for once take the damn high road and leave The Goonies alone.  I think the fact that Corey Feldman...a guy who once wore this, with zero irony...thinks it's a bad idea really says it all.

Anyone seen my potential?