CBS Goes Kevorkian On 2 1/2 Men

Somewhere Charlie Sheen is cackling with utter glee, Ashton Kutcher better brace himself for the epic but disjointed Twitter poem Charlie is no doubt composing as we speak (between doing lines of blow off a strippers ass, it is TBT after all).

Say goodbye to the show that chronicled the the loss of Charlie Sheen's sanity and Jon Cryer's dignity.  Two And 1/2 Men is finally being put out of it's misery after 12 excruciating years...

CBS made the announcement this week, saying that the entire last season will be devoted to saying farewell with a ton of special guest appearances, possibly including the tiger-blood filled cautionary tale that IS Charlie Sheen.

The real question is will Angus T Smith (the 1/2 man) come back for the final season, a couple years ago he found Jesus and facial hair at the same time (as that usually happens).  After a lengthy dip in holy water and soul bleach, Angus went all "get behind me, sinners (CBS)" in several online rants, bitch got fired,  and that's the last we heard of him.

This is your brain after prolonged
exposure to Charlie Sheen.

At least one episode better feature just Charlie and Angus having a crazy-off, that's what we all want to see. We all know in the race of crazy, Charlie has a serious lead, but for a young punk - Angus has really kept his game tight.  

Who will prevail, the walking drug PSA or the kid mainlining Jesus??  Tough call.  My money is on Charlie on account of the devil rushes in and parties, where angels fear to tread.

Team Charlie!!

A Cumberbatch Palate Cleanser...

In light of the drama surrounding the "Beatdown while Going Down 2014" and because I'm a giver, please enjoy a shot of pure happiness in the form of Benedict Cumberbatch looking perfect at the 2014 Met Gala, even his side part is swooning over the level of elegance achieved here. 

Only white tie and tails are as sharp as those cheekbones.

You feel better, don't you? Such is the power of over 6 feet of YUM in formal wear. 

You're welcome.  

Update - Met Gala 2014 Throwdown, Massacre in the Elevator, The Aftermath

I told you it wasn't over...

Dollar Tree 'Yonce - Solange Knowles

After an epic battle in an elevator after the Met Gala, Jay Z's lip and Solange's outfit are not the only things that were busted.

SoLong Beybey Allowance has deleted every picture of big sis except one (captioned "fix, it Jesus" by a fan) on her Instagram account, we must assume because of THE FIGHT.

SoLong better call Tito and Latoya before she buries the carcass of her relationship with Queen B in a shallow grave in the woods, so they can tell her the straight shit.

It's a cold, cold world out there (especially when bitch can't afford a weave, ammirite??) for most of us not related to Bey and Jay Z.

PS.  Bey, Queen B, Your Bootyliciousness?? If your assistant is reading this to you and you need a stand-in sister, I am totally available.  And I won't give you any lip or go all honey badger on your hubby.  I'm great with kids, me and Blue Ivy would be best buds, I have fabulous taste in shoes, and I can tell a diva from a basic bitch at 50 paces. E-mail me.

MaCaulay Culkin Goes Meta

Draco Malfoy's hipster cousin, Macaulay Culkin posted this pic to Instagram;

'Member me?

sporting this Russian nesting doll of a  T-shirt representing the way things could have gone.  On his shirt is a pic of hipster on the hot side of the scale, Ryan Gosling wearing a T-shirt with Culkin's pre-meth mug emblazoned on it.

Yeah, take that in...

Mind - Blown

That is some deep shit. The Gos and Macscruffy were both precocious blonde child actors, but one turned out to be the guy you dream about, while the other became the guy you get your pepper spray out for.

I'm not sure if Macscruffy is punking himself or us...

Apparently he posted this picture to promote his Velvet Underground inspired band...The Pizza Underground...wow, really?!?  The Pizza Underground?!?! *sigh*  Annnd just like that, this just became more sad than funny.

I totally would have gone with "The Filthy Animals"...

Fight Club: The 2014 Met Gala Edition

If every year you think to yourself;

"Yeah, the Met Gala is great...but it needs more fisticuffs and brawling in confined spaces..."

Poof. Wish granted.

Meet your new champion, Solange Knowles - lil sis to Queen B.  SPK (Sucker Punch Knowles) went all Brad Pitt and made Jay Z her Edward Norton moments before this pic was taken.

This. Is. So. Not. Over.

No, for reals.  She whaled on him. I haven't seen a trick lose her mind like that since the last time I was in a college bar...or the last time I caught ANY portion of ANY Jersey Shore episode.

Thanks to our voyeuristic society, the video hit the internet today and I hope Jay Z learned a valuable lesson, never underestimate the little chicks.  The mean ones are 10 lbs of crazy in a 5 lb bag. They're like cornered badgers; all nails, teeth and insane rage fueled by a lifetime of short jokes.

Here's how it went down. As Bey, Jay Z, SPK and a very unfortunate bodyguard entered the elevator, Jay Z obviously flung some shade at SPK, perhaps reprimanding her for not dropping a deep enough curtsy every time Blue Ivy shines her divine countenance on the common (read; EVERYONE) and SPK snapped, erupting into a apricot ball of fury. The professional muscle could barely contain her, and she still managed to get in a few kicks and throw her purse at him.

Sidenote - Guurrrrl, RESPECT.
Way to commit to the crazy.

My guess is that SPK was already mad because while big sis gets to rock a look that's a cross between Ingrid Bergman and Elvira, she had to settle for a vanity chair slip-cover from the powder room of an upscale French restaurant. That's rough duty.

Bey herself, decided that shit was not worth risking her weave and let the hired help handle it.  On the one hand, Haute couture gown/hours getting ready, but on the other - your sister is turning the elevator into a episode of the Jerry Springer show.

What is a Queen Diva do do?!? 

Seems to me the only positions for a sister in that situation are: 1. holding him down/helping to dispense the beatdown or 2. defending your boo. Cause, while it is never okay for a dude to hit a girl, a girl can totally hit another girl.

SPK did stand down when Bey stood between them, I suspect mostly because Blue Ivy has Suri Cruise and Maddox Pitt on speed dial, and even crazy chicks know you don't mess with that kind of power.

Avril Lavigne Kroger Thinks You have Cooties...

Fresh from the internet, rumor is that when Avril meets with fans for pics, the fans are not allowed to touch her - which results in awkward photo gold like this...

Is that a cardboard cutout, or are
her eyes really that dead?

Fans paid $400 for this shit.  I'm sure most of them just wanted her to explain "Sk8er boi"  To this day the title of that song makes my left eye twitch.

Here is the real mystery, Avril is married to the head nickel in Nickelback, Chad Kroger.  So that dude, who looks like he picked her up in front of her Jr. High in his pedo-van, can touch her, she encourages it actually, let him put a ring on it...but not the fans.  Sure, that makes total sense...

Did I miss an Amber Alert??

Lets compare to some shots from other meet and greets, with folks a tad more awesome and let's say relevant...actual celebrities.

Rhianna: 

Pop princess, but will still grab your ass if you ask her to, that's my kind of people.  Keep it real, Rhirhi!!

Boundaries are for basic bitches....

Ian Smoulderhalder: 

My #1 imaginary boyfriend, ridiculously good looking, philanthropic, and all around great guy.  He has time to start a charity to save the planet, and will still let his fans get their grope on a lil' bit.  His left eyebrow is better than Avril and Nickelback combined...

Real men snuggle.

Beyonce:

Even Queen B allows the common folk to get closer than Avril...if anyone could insist on a permanent 3 foot radius from the riff raff at all times it's Bey... 

But never make eye contact with
Blue Ivy Carter, she'll cut a bitch...

Bottom line...Avril - bitch please...you won't catch anything from your fans that you wouldn't catch at home.

You, more than most, should super grateful for fans. Full stop.

If they want you to dress like Kermit the frog in drag and brony braid their damn hair, you should really just do it.

Gettin My Gown Fix - The Met Gala 2014

I love gowns.  No, really LOVE THEM.  Not a healthy, tell your friends love, no - what I feel is much darker and more visceral.  Pshhhh, says you, lots of women like gowns.

Right, raise your hand if you have ever been up at 2:00 am just browsing random gowns online, and not during awards season either...just because.  Extra points if you were also wearing enough flannel and fleece to smother a lesser beast and eating frosting while riding the satin dragon, yeah - it's like that.

I blame Disney...

Gateway gown...

Gown = magic. Fact.

Consequently, every year, I anxiously await the Met Gala and the accompanying fashion hoopla, like Rob Ford waits for his dealer or Kanye waits for...well, anything.

I love the ladies that bring the GLAM, but equally precious to me are the brave/gullible souls that bring the WTF like it's their business, lest we all take ourselves too seriously. A star-studded reminder that with money does not necessarily come taste.

The theme of the Gala this year was "White Tie with Decorations" based on the designs of Charles James, for those of you who don't have an unhealthy obsession with big skirts...Charles James was a self taught designer who put the GUH! in gowns in the 40's and 50's...

So. Much. Satin. *drool*

The Good:

Charlize Theron - A black and white bowl of YAAASSSSS!!!  Love the hair, love the jewelry, love it all.

Charlize poses, unaware the
Olsen twins of doom are
lurking...waiting...

Sarah Silverman - she is a wild card, sometimes gorgeous, sometimes a hot mess.  Even though it's the color of a blood clot, I love the corseting and the grandness of it. 

Plus she brought Michael Sheen
who is awesome no matter what
he's wearing.

Blake Lively - a little bored of her Veronica Lake impression, but damn if she doesn't nail it.  She's a one trick pony, but it's a damn good trick...

Also nails Ryan Reynolds.

Emma Stone and Reese Witherspoon - clearly their dresses were chosen to celebrate that JEM!!  is finally coming to the big screen and I approve. Synergy, bitches!

Liu Wen - Love the color, love the drama!  If you're gonna go to a gala, go big or go home.

Sitting is overrated...

The Bad:

Katie Holmes - gurrrrl, just because you had a mustard-colored duvet cover laying around was no excuse for this...damn you, pintrest. The hair and make-up is just as tragic.  No way that mess was Suri-approved. 

So. Much. Yellow.

Lupita Nyongo - It hurt to put her on the bad list, but, sweetie...no.  It's like a beaded curtain from the 70's, a chandelier, a flapper dress, and a parrot committed an act against nature and this was the result.

Lilly Allen - Another DIY...FYI, a rag bag plus a glue gun does not equal gala gown...

Maggie Gyllenhaal - looks like a hemp version of Twister...

Right hand, organically farmed,
free-range "soul catcher" indigo...

Kirsten Dunst - all I can say is someone needs to stop picking dresses while on vacation in Colorado...it's like three different dresses fighting for control, and they are all awful.  Annd, yes - that is the Death Star on the skirt.  At the Met Gala.

Woulda killed at Comic-Con

Kate Upton - So much NO.  Frieda meets goth saloon girl...

The Olsen twins - at this point, does anyone else think they are just floating heads?  Seriously, when was the last time anyone saw their legs??

Color is for the weak. We're sooooo going to
journal about this.

And finally, NPH and David B. - honestly I have no idea what to make of this...it's soooooo bad, it's kinda good.  I feel like there is a message here I am not cool enough to get. Vented flood pants?? Not that I don't love a good leg slit, and men do get short-changed in that respect, but is this for serious or did we all get gay punked?

Update:  the dangers of late night blogging - realized with both eyes open that they are actually sporting skinny ankle-flood tuxedo pants with loooonnnng tails, not that it's really an improvement, but in the interests of accuracy...*shrug*

That's a whole lotta cummerbund.

Hollywood Refuses To Learn New Tricks

Somewhere in Hollywood, there is an evil cabal that does nothing but sit around in an underground lair and conspire to ruin the best movies of your youth.  If they were just lazy, that would be one thing, but nooooo, it goes so much deeper than that.  Evil is not content until it has corrupted and tarnished our most precious cinematic jewels. 

Tell me your favorite childhood movie. 

Let's review just a small slice of the evidence... 

Arthur 2011
Evil must have been afoot,
to force Helen Mirren to be in this turd.
I forgive you Helen.

The Pink Panther 2006.
Steve, WTF?  Even your tiny
'stache looks ashamed to be there

Clash of the Titans 2010
CGI'd turd flying through
mythology...

Of course let's not forget horrible-remakes nefarious bestie, sequels-that-nobody-wants. To that end, the cabal has set on it's sights on sullying another wonderful childhood memory in the form of a sequel to, brace yourself...this one really hurt...

The Goonies.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

I know. I'm scared too.

I had to go through the 4 stages of grief for that one...4 stages, because I will NEVER accept that shit. Dammit Hollywood - this is why we can't have nice things.  

Sequels are NEVER EVER as good as the original and in this case...it's like a dubstep version of Amazing Grace or cookies made of kale.  Nobody wants that.

According to the internet, Steven Spielberg wrote the story, and for those of you that think that makes a difference...I'm gonna have to direct you to "Indiana Jones and the....Crystal...something or other, nobody cared."  Ammirite?

How they can even consider a Goonies sequel given that it's most exquisite flower, Mama Fratelli (Anne Ramsey) passed on to that great caper in the sky in '88?!?!  The actor (John Matuszak) that played Sloth died in 89. Granted, Feldman in a wig might be able to double for Anne...but would that really be enough? 

Don't do it, corporate dudes - for once take the damn high road and leave The Goonies alone.  I think the fact that Corey Feldman...a guy who once wore this, with zero irony...thinks it's a bad idea really says it all.

Anyone seen my potential?