Diagnosis, I'm a Dumbass...

I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person, no Mensa candidate, but hardly a box of rocks, hopefully hovering right around slightly above average.

Spoiler alert: Hope. Dashed.

My slice of humble pie, served with a large dollop of mortification, came in the form of Orthostatic hypertension, the result at failing to obey a basic survival instinct to stay hydrated enough to remain conscious.  I could insert a bunch of medical jargon here, but what it boiled down to was, when I was standing, my blood pressure and heart rate would jump, causing me to drop like a stone in a pond, not once, not twice, but thrice. Which resulted in a trip to the ER, a bunch of blood tests, a chest X-ray, an EGK, and other assorted poking and prodding.

Which all could have been avoided with a glass or two of water. Ooops.

"Wait," says you - "that's not so bad"...there's more.

Allow me to set the scene; my sweet, stalwart and true sister-in-law's kitchen, in her lovely, perfectly-appointed home, exquisitely decorated homemade Christmas cookies abundant (made in bulk by my mother-in-law), assorted family members, girlfriends, and dates gathered, moments away from sitting down to a big turkey dinner my sister-in-law had been working on all day.

Seriously, it's like walking into a Norman Rockwell painting, even the dogs are charming and well-mannered.

Enter, moi. Oh, is that your lovely Christmas????

I had been feeling a general sort of crappy all day, but I had been sick a couple days before, it was the first Christmas since I lost my Dad, and of course, that bitch Aunt Flo was waging her monthly terror campaign, so a certain amount of malaise was to be expected.

What I did NOT expect was to go down like a lead balloon in front of God and everybody.  Did I mention my husband's parents walked in just in time to see my swan dive...didn't even get their coats off.

From my perspective, all I remember is that I started to get up from the stool I was sitting on, not sure where I was going, guess we'll never know...annnnnd then I was on the floor. Fortunately, I was next to my husband and he caught me on the way down, as he always does, figuratively and literally. Love you, babe.

Picture something about 150% less graceful

The next fifteen to twenty minutes are a bit fuzzy.  Every time they got me up, it was goodnight Klaus.  My husband and his niece's fiancee had to carry my not-so-light ass to the family mini-van, which I'm sure is a Christmas memory they will cherish for always.  Cut to my brother-in-law racing me and hubby to the ER, which is a hotbed of a particularly virulent strain of flu, naturally...so in one fell swoop I have ruined the big family dinner, scared everyone, and exposed one and all to the flu. Fa la la la la la, la la la la.

Yep, that sounds like me, even when being a dumb ass...go big or go home.

Five hours, two IV bags of saline solution, and many, many tests later, I was told; "water is a basic requirement to live, DRINK MORE OF IT!" followed by my sheepish "You betcha.", they released me.

My in-laws, being the sterling examples of humanity that they are, took it all in stride, and were gracious, loving and concerned only. Zero recriminations. I drank more water under their intent watch, then took myself to bed before I could cause any more trouble. Thank goodness we were leaving the next day, before I brought an asteroid crashing into the house, accidentally unleashed the Kracken, or spontaneously contracted Ebola and killed them all.

And, as tempting as it is to pretend this never happened...I do kinda feel obligated to warn folks about my quarantined status...sooooo, might as well blog about it.

Even this idiot knows. Yes, my shame runs deep, Bieber deep.

Now, while I wait to find out if I or anyone else caught the flu from my little misadventure, I also have to call my BFF, and tell her that I can't visit her (or her newborn daughter) for a whole week, (an eternity in BFF time, and something that will definitely NOT escape her notice) until I'm sure I'm not a carrier of the plague, because I'm an idiot who forgot how to human. 

That should go well.  

Worse, she is the Queen of "DRINK ALL THE WATER!!", to the point where water should hire her at it's PR person, she's kinda relentless. In a completely adorable and loving fashion, of course.

I dare not post this until after she and I have talked, because - frankly, I'm in enough trouble already.

In anticipation of  that conversation, I publicly concede to the following points;

Yes, She told me to hydrate.  More than once, on a regular basis, and specifically, the day before I left.

Yes, I did drink water, just not enough water.

Yes, at my age, I should know better.

Yes, I learned my lesson, usually it only takes one trip to the ER to scare me onto the straight and narrow.

Yes, I am drinking water right now.

and finally,

Yes, I understand that for the foreseeable future I will almost certainly be required to drink water in conjunction with all other beverages in her presence, in order to gain back her trust.

On the positive side, I won't make this particular dumb ass mistake again, other dumb ass mistakes... sure, but not this one.

And in a few short days, we all have a new slate, it's a new year!  Out with 2014 foolishness, in with 2015, and hopefully, the opportunity to be less foolish.

May the coming year bring fewer lessons learned the hard way for us all.